Resolutions

Here goes my list of LATE, boring and uninspired New Year's resolutions that I do not intend to fulfill but just want to write down for the sake of having that sense of direction, of planning on doing something, albeit imagined. Because who knows, I might re-read this post one day and actually DO it.

1. Study - Our company is offering tuition reimbursement on post-grad studies, so why not grab the chance, huh? But the catch, of course, is I'd have to get good grades to get the full reimbursement, and obviously, I can't take up courses like Masters in Robotics or Interior Design or whatever. So it's the usual fare, not really uber ultra hyped about it, but hey it's free, and some extra knowledge is always a good thing.

Why I should do it: School is a good place to meet people. So if not for the knowledge, then do it for the boyfriend! Ha ha.

Why I should not do it: Because I'd kill myself doing it. I'm averaging only 5-6 hours of sleep everyday, so with school, that would be suicide.

2. Climb Mt. Pulag - Now this, I INTEND to do. If only my officemates are as excited about this climb as I am. I've already bought a really good fleece jacket for a really cheap price (read: ukay-ukay), and I know where to get a Deuter ACT Lite 35+10 SL and a Coleman sleeping bag FOR FREE. I've done my research, all that's left is to contact the DENR superintendent in Benguet and we're almost good to go. So people, where's the enthusiasm? I can't climb the mountain alone!

Why I should do it: Because I am a self-proclaimed taga-bukid.

Why I should not do it: Why not?

 3. Publish my poetry somewhere - Lofty dreams! Of course, the only way to do this is to, first of all, write, and to second of all, write. But of course! So why am I doing so little of this lately? This makes me sad.

Why I should do it: Because life is music and poetry, but is invisible.

Why I should not do it: Because I'm a loser who has lost her muse (why do they call it "muse" anyways?)

4. Save - Shame on me for analyzing other people's money, and yet can't even manage my personal finances well. I was supposed to write down "invest for the future!" but thought that "save" was a more truthful, convenient and practical way to go.

Why I should do it: I'm broke.

Why I should not do it: Because poverty can be romanticized.

5. Dye my hair red - What's with all the wannabe brunettes? Red is the new brown.

Why I should do it: Red is pretty, and because, unfortunately, blue is not allowed as per the HR dress code policy manual (code na, policy pa, manual pa!).

Why I should not do it: Maka-dry ug buhok. Girly dilemmas.

There's supposed to be more, but I'll stick to five for now. The shorter, the better. The more important resolutions are, of course and as always, unwritten.

    

Guhmp Theory No. 1

What. Did you expect me to cry out for you? You: the black and blue
Thing in my peripheral vision that is only beginning to acquiesce after an almost
Dying, draw your mirror away, it's only going to lead us to more pain.
Please understand that its not you its me and its you and me against the world
And how, how, how can we ever explain ourselves to everyone when everyone
Is a huge blank face staring back at us, when they stretch out their hands towards us,
Heads bent in shame, shoulders in, knees bent, feet a-p-a-r-t, afar, a part of
the mass of ubiquitous bodies that move in unison, children of chaos and gravity,
Spare me this life from this monstrosity. Bismillah! Let me go! Mamma Mia let me

well,
go.

The Forgotten

We call each other by name.
By song, by touch.
By any peculiarity we disguise ourselves with.
Yet in this crafted hour
I call you by that which you don't recognize.
And so when you hear my voice
You will hear it a stranger does, detached,
Ephemeral as a distant echo that glides unto valleys
And at once is gone.

There will be days when even my face,
Familiar as a well-loved toy,
Will cease to exist.
And in its place, only a vague countenance
Of colors and brush strokes,
Only bits and pieces of letters
That must have once resembled notes
Written haphazardly
On walls, tabletops.
It will be like waking up from a dream
and realizing that even the waking up
Was unreal.

I glide in front of you
Like a feather.

Free Reading To the Public

Sometimes when I am in the toilet in early morning while still half asleep, I have the most splendid visions. Here's one of them: Put up my own library. My library will be huge and it's going to have 6-tiered bookshelves, one shelf for each genre. And when I say genre, it has to be very specific as in, "Historical fiction taking place between 1810-1850" or "Novels that have been adapted into movies starring Brad Pitt". Or not.

Or maybe I could just collect used books from the neighbors and display them on the sidewalk for anybody who's interested in a free read. I'll set up 2 tables and a few plastic chairs beside the makeshift  shelves and put up a sign that says "free reading to the public". The only problem with this idea, though, is that it won't be an original. Somebody in our neighborhood (in Manila) already beat me to it, and I don't have the space anyway. And so now, this person is reaping all the fame and glory as I see local TV crew set up cameras in front of his house while he is being rehearsed for an interview (will write about this in a separate entry). Why haven't I thought of this sooner?

Anyhow, the point here is that books are always a good thing. They must be made public, and shared. So it came as a pleasant surprise today when Sir Joseff of La Belle Aurore lent me his personal copy of the Duino Elegies (from one of my favorite poets, Rilke!). It didn't matter that we only met for the first time today, and I probably looked creepy with my smeared eyeliner after rubbing at my eyes and forgetting that I had eyeliner on (I only confirmed this an hour later at a mall's comfort room which could only mean that I unknowingly freaked out more people at the mall and during the jeepney ride to the mall). But anyway, the kind gesture was lovely, I can't wait to devour the elegies, and I can hardly wait either for the other book that somebody else has promised me. :-p

A merry, nerdy, bookish Christmas to us all. :)

The New Donut In Town

Donuts remind me of....

Button eyes!

:) :) :)

Martyr's Lament

Real. Damn. Tired. I am not here typing these words, I am the words and the motion of typing and yes I will make sure to look into it tomorrow so kindly please just dissolve into the wall and let me type and imagine all types of things I would say if I only could say what was in my head for the longest time without feeling ashamed or guilty about saying something that I should should not say, at least out loud, and without having that remorse that everything I say today will probably not mean a thing tomorrow. And when I think about these things, I remember something that someone told me a long time ago which is never put off doing tomorrow what you can do today, or did someone really tell me that or was it just a dream or was it just the collective creed of a hundred plagiarist writers who call themselves anonymous, but either way it leads me to thinking further on that if we never put off doing everything if we can do them today, then sooner or later we will run out of time and the universe sure as heaven and earth will not give us another hour on top of the twenty-four hours given us to do everything we need to do and everything does not even include the time spent on necessary non-essentials like sleeping and crapping, and when we do run out time we can only wish that we can go out and pawn our stuff to buy a day like Justin Timberlake did, but then the truth hits us and we realize that it's a quarter past a half past twelve and oh the words are spilling out of my fingertips like there's absolutely no tomorrow.

Tatay Manuel

I don't know how to react to this. Just this evening, as my officemate Dan and I were walking along Ayala Avenue to catch a bus ride home, we saw this old man who was just standing in the middle of the sidewalk, clutching his knees with his head bowed down. I thought nothing of it and we just passed him by. But Dan kept looking back at him and when I turned to look as well, I saw that the old man has not moved at all. He seemed to be in pain so we retraced our steps and ask him if he was okay. The old man told us that his leg was hurting him. He pulled up his left pant leg, and we saw a bandage wound around his left ankle. A result of diabetes, he said. When I asked him why he was walking alone at that time of the night, he said that he came to see his former work mates (he once worked as a construction worker) who were currently in Makati Avenue to ask them if they could lend him two thousand pesos. The money was supposed to be a down payment to a funeral parlor, so he could redeem the body of his 12-year old son and give him a proper burial. His son died from food poisoning after having eaten food he picked up randomly from the trash.

His work mates were not able to lend him money and so he decided to just go back home to Cavite. Since he did not have any fare money with him, he was planning to walk all the way to Walter Mart (which was two rides away from Ayala) where the FX shuttles are, and somehow beg one of the drivers there to let him ride for free. How did you get here in Makati in the first place? I asked him. Turned out he was able to hitch a ride on a truck that was transporting vegetables from Cavite to Guadalupe. From Guadalupe, he walked all the way to Makati Ave. 

He really was a pitiful sight, an old man in his 60's or 70's walking alone in the streets of Makati at that late hour. And since leaving him there seemed like a criminal thing to do, we offered to accompany him to Walter Mart and pay for his fare. During the bus ride, we learned that his name was Manual Ibanez Sr. and that he was a widower with two children aged 14 and 10, apart from his 12-year old son who just died. They were children from his second marriage, which accounted for their young age. His son was already 8 days at the funeral home and he was told that he should pay the bill and get the body already, else it will start to rot and smell. Being poor and unemployed, he went to seek the help of various local government officials but was turned down. He even went to the ABS-CBN and GMA Kapuso Foundations, but learned that help would be granted only after his story was aired in TV and donations came in. By the time the funds would be available, his son's body would already have started to rapidly decompose. His last resort was to seek the help of his former work mates which, likewise, did not turn out to be successful. On top of this dilemma, Tatay Manuel was diagnosed with Stage 4 liver cancer and all he wanted was to take his children with him to his hometown in Tacloban, Leyte, so he could die there in peace, and have his relatives take care of his children. He seemed like an educated man because he was able to utter phrases in fluent English while he was narrating his life story. He never asked us for money or pleaded that we help him out with anything.

Dan took his cellphone number and details of where he lived and the name of the funeral parlor where his son was laid. We gave him a little extra cash so he can pay for the FX ride to Cavite and maybe buy some food for himself and his kids when he gets home. I don't know, call me naive but there's just something about old people that moves me. Surely old men won't resort to lying. They're wise souls, aren't they? His story seemed genuine to me.

After we got off at the Pasong Tamo-Buendia crossing, we flagged down a jeepney going to Walter Mart for Tatay Manuel and bid goodbye to him. Dan and I can only look at each other and shake our heads in dismay at that sad encounter.

But then something came up. After arriving home, Dan texted me that Tatay Manuel's story was on the internet. He forwarded me a link to a Facebook page and I saw this:

Renz DadivasREUNIONS QTV-11

October 26, 2011 at 3:51am · 

• GoodDay. Gusto ko lang po humingi ng help. Last week po kasi i saw an old man about 60-70y/o, Name MANUEL G. IBANEZ, SR. passing Makati Ave. & i notice na pahinto-hinto po siya tpos naka yuko while holding his stomach, ayaw nman po tumanggap ng help. Tapos kinausap ko po, he told me na hihingi daw siya ng help sa mga kasamahan niya sa Construction financially, matagal daw kasi process sa Malacanang. Kasi he's dying na po Liver Cancer Stage 4. Ayw niya daw po umasa sa help kahit kaninong matataas kasi wala din naman daw. Ang gusto niya lng po eh mai-uwi ung 8y/o son and wife niya sa Province, nakalimutan ko po Province pero by Barko po ung biyahe. Gusto niya daw po PAMASAHE lng. gusto niya po daw "mamatay" sa province nila. Bibigay ko po present address niya if nag repond po kayo sakin sa Cavite lng po siya. Help naman po please.

  Like · 

  • 

    Renz Dadivas Di ko po kasi alam kung san ako lalapit. sa iba kasi di naman nila papansinin. Thanks po

    October 26, 2011 at 3:52am · Like
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    Trix Tolentino sa Leyte yung province nya..

    October 26, 2011 at 11:01am · Like
  • 

    Madlyn Jazz Merjudio nkita din nmin tong matanda n to.. lalaki mejo matangkad, same story, pero sbi nya gusto nya iuwi yung dalawa nyang anak, ang kwento nya ay namatay n yung wife nya sa cancer... tutulong din dapat kami, buti naisipan namin i-google xa

    November 8, 2011 at 11:57am · Like
  • 

    Madlyn Jazz Merjudio last saturday namin xa nakita, sa may ortigas center sbi nya may liver cancer stage 4, at may taning na buhay nya, 8 days..

    November 8, 2011 at 11:59am · Like

Note that this Facebook post was made last October 2011. I googled some more and even found one dating back to 2010.

S-Kaye TorresDefinitely Filipino

February 9, 2010 at 10:36am · 

• May nakasalubong akong cancer patient kagabi. And my heart has been heavy eversince. Kagigising ko lang. Ambigat sa loob kasi pamasahe lang nya yung naitulong ko kagabi. Kinuha ko yung number, address, at full name nya. Sabi ko kung kaya ko hihingi ako ng tulong. Isa yung DF sa mga naisip ko. Mga ka-DF, eto yung personal info nya. :(
  
  Full name: Manuel G. Ibanez Sr.
  Address: Block 2, Lot 20, Barangay Lumbreras, Alvarez, Cavite
  Number: 0939-228-0433
  
  Lumapit na daw sha sa kung kani-kaninong politicians, sa ABS-CBN, sa GMA. Ang tanging naitulong sa kanya ng gobyerno ay parang certificate na free na yung transportation nya. Eh hindi rin nman cncredit ng mga bus. So please, anyone who could, pakitulungan naman. :(
  
  P.S.
  Illike ko 'tong stat ko para may e-mail notifications ako sa mga magccomment. Please let's do help. Tapos kung may mga ippost kayo regarding this, kindly tag me. Thank you. :(

  Like · 

  • 2 people like this.
  • 

    Madlyn Jazz Merjudio same story. nakasalubong namin xa n mabagal n ng lalakad pahinto hinto while holding his stomach. nakilala ko rin tong manuel Ibanez na to, sbi nya may cancer xa sa liver at stage 4 na, may taning n buhay nya at 8days nlng bngay sa kanya, nakasalubong ko xa last saturday, masama rin loob ko kasi pamasahe pauwing cavite lng ang naibagay ko at konting pocket money at food, sbi ko i'll send him money para makauwi xa sa leyte with his son and daughter kasi wala akong dalang madaming pera that time... super sad ng story nakwento ko sa frend ko to and he told me n nakilala nya rin to 3 months ago, kaya nagduda ako at naisip kong i google ang namenya, nalaman ko madami n xa nabiktima

    November 8, 2011 at 10:15pm · Like

Like what I said earlier in this post, I don't know how to react to this. Should I be enraged because I was scammed and "victimized" by this old man? I cannot bring myself to say "Beware This Man" because in the first place, he never asked us for help, and if we gave him some money, we did it out of our own free will. He never should have made up those stories, yes, he was at fault with that, but can we really blame him for what he did? What with the neglect our government is showing to the poor in this country? Tatay Manuel probably deserved that money more than I did. I would have probably just spent it on greasy, unhealthy food or on a fancy item at the mall that I don't need. I do not regret being scammed.

The 2nd Law: Isolated System

Another track from Muse's newest album, The 2nd Law. The album title is inspired by the Second Law of Thermodynamics, which states that if no energy enters or exits the system during an exchange, the potential energy of state will always be less than that of its original state. 

"In an isolated system entropy can only increase"

My new addiction. :)

Madness

Come to me

Just in a dream

Come on and rescue me

Yes I know, I can be wrong

Maybe I'm too headstrong

Our love is madness

Three Ways To Die

1

New Year’s Eve.  The food is laid out on the table, everyone is in festive mode. Beth is sitting out on the balcony, watching her brothers set up giant sparklers on the sidewalk. She strokes her swelling belly. Being pregnant at sixteen is not easy, but she’s determined to keep her child. She thinks of New Year’s resolutions to write in her journal later on—go to college, make up for lost time with my parents, be a good mom—while  several meters away, a stray bullet fired from a drunk policeman’s gun is hurtling its way to her head.

2

“This is a hold-up,” the man hissed in Tamara’s ear while he presses a gun to her neck. “Give me your wallet and your cellphone.” Tamara wildly looks around for help. There is nobody else in sight.

“Please don’t kill me,” Tamara pleads. With shaking hands, she reaches inside her bag and hands over her valuables. The man releases his grip on her and manages a smirk. “By the way, this is a toy gun,” he mocks before running away. In her rage, Tamara runs across the street to chase him. A speeding truck hits her before she can scream.

3

The plot in the cemetery is ready. It’s a lovely patch with wildflowers and Jun has already made an advance payment to the caretaker who will be doing the grave maintenance. He has already bought the pine-wood coffin, made reservations at the funeral parlour, estimated the number of guests who will be coming. What he needs to do now is complete the list of songs to be played at the wake. Jun has lung cancer. His doctors have given him only three more months to live. 

He ponders for a while then downloads Led Zeppelin’s Stairway to Heaven from iTunes.